My scariest moment ever

Copied from my mommy and scrappin boards:

This happened on Friday, Sept 14th.


I can't stop thinking about it and I have spent most of the day crying.
Justin ran out of his school today, got far and ran into the road. His teachers didn't even know he was gone. Thank God a mom I knew happened to see him and grabbed him, took him back to school and informed his teachers. They still hadn't been missing him. He must have been gone 4 or 5 minutes.
I am terrified of what could have happened. If Chrissie had not been there to get him.... And OMG, how was there not a car going by as in ran in the road. And Chrissie was the only one around when it happened. If she had not been there, how long would he have been gone before the school even realized he was missing and called the police.
He went into the classroom fine this morning. Complained a little here and there that he didn't want to go to school today. But nothing big. I kissed him, said goodbye. Then he was upset and wanted me. The teacher held him for a minute or two. Then she put him down to work on attendence with a couple of the other kids. And he took off. The door was still open b/c a mom was still in there. He just left, ran out the outside doors and never stopped. NO ONE SAW HIM! He ran out after me and actually saw my van going down the street and went after it.
Breaks my heart - he wanted to know why I didn't hear him b/c he was yelling so loud for me.And he doesn't get it - not at all. He has no clue what he did was wrong.
Oh..I should say the kid is a runner. This is a known fact to dh and me and we have him on a short leash with us. He will not stop when you say stop.Case in point - after school I was walking with him to the car, with Sarah in my arms. I put him in the van and asked him where he was when Chrissie saw him and he said "here I'll show you!" and took off running. I was yelling at him to stop and he just kept running. Until I caught him, running as fast as I could while holding Sarah, and grabbed him.
I just am at a loss.I am so mad at him.
I am so scared of the what ifs.
I am so grateful for for friend running after him.
I am so mad that it happened and that it was able to happen.
I will be so scared to drop him off again. They are changing the drop offs and pick ups and it should never be able to happen again. But that doesn't even start to make me feel better.
So, anyway, that is why I didn't do the crop today. I wanted to, but this changed everything. I spent the day shaking and crying instead.


And these were my thoughts the next night, titled "I am having a nervous breakdown":

I can’t stop thinking about it and I can’t stop shaking.
The thoughts of leaving Justin at school on Monday are killing me.
I know he will be fine. I know that they will be watching him so darn closely that nothing could possibly happen.
But still.... He keeps saying he doesn’t want to go to school. And he’ll ask me out of the blue “Mommy, next time it’s time for school, can I just go with you and Sarah wherever you are going?” The kid does not want to go. Now, I know that is just a seperation thing he needs to get over. But the fact that he doesn’t want to go, combined with the fact that he doesn’t understand that what he did was wrong or scary, leaves me shaking. He’d run again in a second from everything I sense.
I talked to the principle yesterday afternoon. They are changing the drop-offs and pick-ups so that the parents do not go inside the building or classroom, thus allowing the teachers to be able to watch the kids more closely. There will not be parents in the room trying to talk to the teachers. I know they will not let him run. But I am just losing my mind over this.
And, no, I cannot just take him out of the school. This is where we were planning on sending him for kindergarten. We just need to get past this. And I need to not pass out. Seriously, I just want to stand in front of the school for the 2 1/2 hours just watching the doors.
OMG! I am going to freak out on Monday. And, when I drop him off, I won’t even be able to really tell the teacher how freaked out I am, but I know I need to. I need them to realize how scared I really am.
How could they have let him run off and not even realized he was gone? OMG! Now, I do actually see how it happened. I totally do. And they are taking these steps to see this can’t happen again.
But I just want to cry (and often do) thinking that I would probably never have seen him again had my friend not noticed him.
Justin keeps asking me why I didn’t stop for him. He says he was yelling so loud that how did I not hear him as he ran after my van. OMG! If only I had just looked in my rear-view mirror, I would have seen him. I missed seeing him coming around the corner by maybe 20 seconds. OMG! I just can’t stop thinking about it. It doesn’t help that I have the whole weekend either.
Oh...so I am thinking the only reason my friend even saw him was b/c he was yelling for me. OMG! This could have gone so wrong. I am still just losing my mind. I am not even close to being at a place where I can just Thank God for saving him. I can’t relax enough to do that.
And, since you wouldn’t know this much, I am the over-protective mom. My kids only get in a car with me, Mick or sometimes (when necessary) with my mom. I am so scared of things happening to him b/c I wasn’t there with him. My dad constantly wants to bring him places and Justin would love to go, but I never let him. I am too scared to leave him with other people. I just don’t trust anyone with my kids. So, this situation just makes this so much harder on me.
I can’t stop wondering what would have happened. When would they have realized he was missing? He must have been gone 4 or 5 minutes and they had no clue. Chrissie brought him back into the classroom and had to inform the teacher that he had been in the street.
He doesn’t get it. He keeps saying “It’s ok Mommy, I would have just been flat.” or “It’s ok mommy. If a car had been coming, I would have just run around it.” or “It’s ok mommy. If I had been dead, you could just make me again.” OMG!!!!
So, yeah, how far would he have chased after me? Would he have given up and gone back to the school or kept going? What would he have done had my van already been gone? Would he have stopped and gone back inside instead of running after me?
Thank you so much for letting me type this all out. I needed to get some of this out of me.
And on top of all these fears, I am still tying to figure out how to get him to take us seriously, to calm down in general when he gets so loud and hyper, to stop running from us, to just be calmer. The principle kept telling me to take him to the pediatrician and maybe they can help us with how to get him to stop running. I guess it can’t hurt to talk to her. But I am so pissed to do it alone. I would want dh there. I am tired off things being my resposibility. Yeah, i know he’s back to teaching and needs to be there. I am just tired of being a parent with so much responsibilty right now.
The principle also just seemed to be placing so much blame on Justin. Not really, but sort of. Know what I mean? I know we need to work with him on the running thing, but from everyone I have talked to, they all think Justin didn’t do anything wrong. They all think the school should have stopped him. Even if he wasn’t a runner, he just wanted his mommy so darn badly that he would have run after me. So it isn’t fair that they blame him at all. Other kids hang onto Mommy so tight that the mom can’t leave the room. I had left so Justin ran after me. And this woudn’t have happened had a mom not still been in the room trying to seperate from her kid. If she had been gone, the door would have been closed.
So, I feel a little better now. But I know this won’t go away anytime soon. I am just so scared to bring him back there and leave him again. But he needs to go to school and get used to it again. I am still just so shocked by this b/c I never saw it coming. He was excited to go back to school all summer long. Then again, he has a new teacher and his friend is in the other class. Oh, and as far as sending him full day with the teacher he knows and his friend, instead of half. Yeah, he’d probably be happier right now, but I would be still be a nervous wreck. He’d be gone 5 hours a day and that would be 5 hours that I would be on edge instead of 2 1/2. RIght now I feel I would be better having him closer to me than in someone else’s care.